Seriously?

Ok…time to get something out.  i gotta do something or it will fester and burn.  That is not good.  Just letting you know i may spew some self-pity and other yucky stuff all over the place.  There is snot pouring out of every pore of my being right now, so if you don’t like that sort of stuff, you may want to hit eject.  I warned you.

i know i have been talking about helpful hints and aids to settling the mind.  i have all kinds of tools…i just made some tea…i spoke to someone online…i posted stuff on my Facebook page and then decided it would be good to get some of the inside outside.  I read my notes and tried to believe them and i think it is starting to settle and come together.  But settling the mind is not the same as silencing the mind.

It is a significant thing to be able to set mental chatter aside—give it a rest, if you will—so that we can be alert, calm, relaxed, and open to the moment at hand.  That is most difficult for me, as i am isolated here, especially in the winter.  The silence can be awe inspiring or fear inducing, depending on one’s internal mechanisms at the moment…my internal mechanisms are fucked up right now, to say the least. and it really does not take too much to upset the tea cart.  The tea cart be damned.  Here it comes:

“pull yourself up by your bootstraps”…”you’ll feel better (or stronger…i should be fucking Hercules by now) on the other side of this”.  If you don’t know what to say, just cork it…jeez.  Don’t be a dick.

That is just as bad as the Jesus people and their “i’ll pray for you’ when what they often mean, “i suppose i’m done talking to you now, and maybe this will get me out of here.”  New chaplains do it all the time.  Sometimes it is just a fear statement.  People don’t know what else to say so, “i’ll pray for you.”

My sister is a Jesus person and i love her very much (yes, all my sisters…there..i said it).  My sisters have been very supportive and i appreciate it.   And we pray for each other.  I am not talking about you, sis.  And i am not talking about all those beautiful blue-haired ladies who just pray for everyone in the church basement every Wednesday night, God bless them.  Keep praying for me guys…that is not the point.

It just wears me out…seriously!    And it is not even remotely helpful when i am trying to face reality and deal with totally new circumstances in my life.  Give me a break.   Can we just have a coffee?

And i swear, if i saw another “be aware of mental health” post or “prove someone is listening, so share this” i will fucking scream.   You want to prove you are aware and listening?   Here is an idea.  Actually listen.  Or just don’t bother.  But don’t pretend.

And stop saying idiotic drivel.  You want to understand depression?  READ ABOUT IT.  There you go.  Want to do something during Mental Health Awareness week.  If you know someone who has a mental “issue”, take a few minutes out of your day and read about it.  Go ahead and read someone else’s experience and what it really feels like to them when they are suffering.  Their pain is all over the internet, trust me.

And so this was my guts all over my Facebook page today and i said.   “No…i’m not angry…just a little frustrated right now, as i don’t have a ton of people here i know.  And a lot of the ones i do know, seem to be so depressed that Sarah left, that it needs to be the topic of discussion…cut me some slack, people, cut me some slack.”

And i am constantly exhausted.  Not from doing too much activity, but from trying to help other people feel better about things.  Had a friend stay a few nights to keep me company.  And every night?  Let’s have a beer and talk about me and my problems.  i did not even want to talk about my problems, let alone try and adopt some of yours.  You know my condition, because that is why you are here.  Mental health awareness, my ass.

i asked someone to do something and they said that was not a problem.  We laid out conditions and agreed to them.  i was careful to make sure it was not going to be a burden to that person.  They still agreed.  I followed every safety rule i know.  And then they totally disappeared.  People with mental health issues are exhausting.  I get that, but even crazy people appreciate a little honesty now and again.

I know you out there know that feeling.   And it makes me sad that you need to suffer that pain. And, most of all, i do not want to suffer that deep pain.  Then i cry and it is tough to stay energized when i am crying for hours at a time.  The shear pin broke on the snowblower.  I know how to replace the shear pin, but instead i just sat by the snowblower and cried out pain and sorrow and fear and anger.  That is what it is like.  We know.

This blog helps me deal with stuff, but sometimes i just feel like i am bleeding all over the place.  Sarah is gone, but i think people forget i do not have a new place.  I am in the same place we have lived and loved and her presence  is everywhere.   Not all the time, of course.  i am not in a constant state of mourning.  But it gets tough…and when someone lets me down, it just seems to have a heavier impact these days… you’ll be fine…yeah.

So what have i done to look after myself?  I made some tea, but did not realize some kinds of tea are stronger than others.  I have never thrown up tea…quite different.

And through my tears, i read my lists.  And cried.  And cried.  And cried some more, until i thought my soul would tear away from me.  Anguish is the word that comes to mind.  And i realized a lot of pain i did not want to admit to myself, let alone anyone else.

And then i finally surrendered and called Sarah and told her i needed her and missed her and we set up a video call and talked.  We talked like i wish we had talked a years ago.  I was a damaged person when Sarah met me and she really saved my life.  I am doing things to help myself i could have done years ago.  We both have a lot of healing to do, but we still find comfort in talking together.  That is good for me…medicine to my soul.  In that respect, i may be more fortunate than you.

So now that i have released a lot of those emotions into the blogospere, i feel a little healthier.  i’m tired, but i know each day is a new day and i will handle stuff better tomorrow and it is ok for me to release and share this stuff.  And maybe i’ll just chill.  i know you understand.

Thanks for being there, friend.

John

3 thoughts on “Seriously?

  1. OMG! I don’t know what to say. I’m so terribly sorry for all that you are dealing with. I sincerely understand more than you know what it’s like when someone walks away because of severe depression.
    I hope that you get much-needed rest, and take good care of yourself. You deserve peace.

    Like

  2. omg. your sense of humor is awesome. ..obviously, since it matches mine… i was in the pit of despair not 10 minutes ago, then you had me laughing. not a small accomplishment! thank you for lightening my load, i promise not to pray for you, if you promise not to pray for me. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

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