My Angel…Sarah

By now you likely realize “the crisis” is Sarah making a decision to leave.  I have never felt so alone in all my life as i do now.  And i have been through some pretty serious shit in my life.

But she had no choice.  This is the constant message i have been giving to family and friends.  I was deeply depressed, paranoid, seclusive, angry and non-communicative.  She had no choice.  We are soulmates and we know this, but i have a lot of internal crap i need to deal with.  So she cannot be here right now.  I hate it.  I think she hates it.  But it is necessary and, in the long run, we will be better and stronger people for it.

So there is no animosity.  We have raised eight children together, after all.  We have shared so much good together.  Some people don’t get it.  You should be angry and saying bad things about each other.  Seriously?  Anyone who thought that would happen, did not know us that well, i suppose.

i was in the hospital a couple of years ago for some procedure which involved some really good drugs.  You know the ones i mean.  The good ones.  The doctor came in to talk to me, i am told.  At one point i asked her, “Have you seen my angel?  Is Sarah here?”  The female doctor was impressed, i guess.

The real problem, however, is not that i was depressed,  That was the culmination of years of self=destructive behaviour.  I was not physically or mentally healthy from the time Sarah met me.  I had been in a devastating relationship and my ex had left.  With someone else.  And i had five kids at home.  So, yeah…i was seriously damaged material.  i felt abandoned and alone.  Sounds like a theme, doesn’t it?

And then Sarah came into my life.  Wow!  i mean we just clicked.  It was fun and passionate and alive and great for all the right reasons.  i was in heaven.  Anyone who knows me, knows this is true.

One of my favourite pics of Sarah

I am not an evil man.  I would not intentionally cause pain to another person.  But i was deeply damaged inside.  And i am one of those men who almost never talks about emotion.  At least not my emotions.  And therein, my dear readers, lies the dilemma.  i did not talk about deep things and anything that came to close to the surface was snuffed immediately out of a fear of being vulnerable.  Hell for me.  Worse for those around me.

And so Sarah needed to leave.  i want you to know i love her even more than i did before because she had courage and did the right and brave thing, when everything within her was telling her to stay.  Because she is a caregiver.  She is my angel, but not one of those weak, simpering examples Hollywood peddles off as genuine.

One of my favourite pics of Sarah

 

She is a warrior angel.  She carries a flaming sword and does not back down from anything.  And her brave actions forced me to wake up.  The man who thought he was dying is full of life again.  Sarah’s bravery has saved my life.  And now i have the opportunity to be a fuller. deeper, richer human being.  It would be a shame to waste this opportunity.  To not seize the opportunity for growth would despise her bravery and i will not do that.

So please do not think poorly of my girl.  She is suffering and in pain.  And i caused a lot of that pain.

My blog is an attempt to be open and honest about my feelings, something i could have done long ago and did not.  But i do not need to live there.  So i have come aliveAnd i have a partner who is much stronger and braver than i.  So thank you Sarah.  My soulmate and genuine friend.  I just thought you should know.

I love you,

Your Northern Man

6 thoughts on “My Angel…Sarah

      1. let’s take an honesty moment here…i am writing these things NOW and i USED to write these things…somewhere in between i stopped being available emotionally…i am available now, but it has been a long while, i think

        Liked by 1 person

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