i think when i last spoke to you, i was a mess. Emotional bleed out. In town, no less. Lots of fun for a guy who does not like to share emotion. i won’t bother with my gratuitous “F” word. i think you get the idea. It was one terrible day.
i slept well. But i woke up with the total body ache panic attack sufferers know all too well. And i have been moving slowly today. The sun is brightly shining, so i will take the dog for a walk.
Chop some wood. Maybe do a little raking. Stuff. But i still do not know why things went the way they did yesterday. And that lingers in the back of my mind. When will it happen again?
Because it likely will happen again. But i don’t want that, for me or anyone else. i may sound like i am being a little hard on myself, but the reality is this:
i do not want to wait. i do not want to be in Recovery. I want to be all better all the time. But, face it, that is the same thing everyone else desires in life. Instant gratification. Give me what i want right now.
Recovery is a lifelong affair. i will be in Recovery the remainder of my life. if i want to be healthy. i will need to stick to my program, take my meds, exercise and listen to the input of others. So i might as well get on the other side of things and begin to prepare for the rest of my Recovery journey.
That is the key for me. i need to take my concept of victory or “winning” down a notch, i think. With me it has always been about winning and being perfect and about never being wrong.
Be funny if it wasn’t so true for most of my life. i’m feeling much better. Thanks for asking.
The key, i mentioned in some other blog, is momentum. i don’t have momentum right now. At this moment i am a body at rest. That is a dangerous place to be when no one else is around to give me a poke. So i guess i have to put on my big boy pants and get moving. How do i do that now?
Since i was short on ideas, i searched around the internet and came across some stuff that is helping me to focus. That is all i need right now. Some movement. Some positive growth steps.
i’ll share it with you. The site is some sort glitzy entertainment site i would not frequent on a bad day, but here it is:
“1. Ask and acknowledge your unique purpose – Ask yourself what do you truly desire to be / do / have? What do you feel compelled to do? Acknowledge yourself for your uniqueness. This will give you the courage to leap from your comfort zone.
2. Have the courage to be totally honest – What assumptions have you made about yourself and others? Self-acceptance and facing issues honestly give you the opportunity to uncover the truth and live life with integrity. Living in integrity will not allow you to short-change yourself by staying with the status quo.
3. Find a Buddy – Ask someone you trust to support you in your journey of self-discovery and tell them how they can help. When people understand how your personal growth benefits them and the world (because you are showing up authentically and on purpose), you will be supported in bursting out of your comfort zone to create the life of your dreams!
4. Embrace change – Dare to dream, take big steps forward. You don’t need to know everything before you proceed; and yes, there’s no such thing as a mistake when you’re bursting out of prison. Whatever appears is there for your greater good; a learning opportunity.
5. Celebrate – Choose something daily to celebrate. Rejoice in all that you are attracting and creating.”
Maybe too cheesy for you. i do not care. i’m moving and that is all i need to do for today.