Loving Me

i love when i get to use a quote thingy more than once.  Last time i wrote about how the experiences we have in life, particularly when we’re young, have an impact on how we view the world around us.

For me, feeling like a victim comes naturally.  It is a comfortable spot…a familiar place.  Not a healthy place, but familiar and safe.

So i am beginning to move my perspective from one of victimhood to victor-hood.  (See what i did there?…i am so clever).  It is essential to congratulate myself for victories.  So  even though i acknowledge the times i have been less than successful.   But i am not living there.  Everyone has bad days.  Right.

But there is another problem, i was not expecting.  When i peel back layers, i learn more about who i really am.  Do you see the issue?

Fuck.  That is the real me?  I really exhibit those characteristics to people around me?  Ok.  i learn something about me.  You see what can easily happen, though, don’t you?

What happens if i do not like the me i find?  This is humorous, because everyone sees that me.  No matter how i may have thought i was successful hiding the real me, eventually i floats to the surface.

So when i suggest to someone close to me that i have learned i have problems with anger, they are like, “uh, yeah.  no kidding, man.”  Looks like my slip is showing.

No, it is worse than that.  i am like the emperor, strutting around boldly in my fine robes, not realizing my nakedness.  Everyone else knows the real me.  Why?

Let’s take the anger thing, John.  they know you are an angry person because you got pissed off about politics and board games.  And the rage must have been palpable at times.  i sincerely am sorry.

i am just beginning to meet me again.  i’m not my father.  i am not an evil or cruel man.  Insensitive, perhaps, which, frankly, is enough.  i am coming back to myself and it is like welcoming an old friend.  And slowly, i am beginning to appreciate some of my strengths and gifts.

It is important at this point in my journey not to focus only on the negative.  i’ve done a lot of work peeling layers off the onion that is myself.  That is good work.  Until i come to terms with some of the crap, i cannot advance into the future.  And i cannot count on society to help me be more positive.

i did not shy away from the hard stuff.  i woke up and found myself, despite the situation, and began to work at Recovery.  And i have done good work.  You know i have.  Now it is time to take it up a notch.

There are attitudes within myself i need to correct and adjust.  The future depends on me being a more positive and forward-looking individual.  So, while i have not forgotten about the attitudes that brought me here, it is time for me to do some self-healing.

Negative thoughts drain me of energy and keep me from being in the present moment. The more i give in to your negative thoughts, the stronger they become, like a snowball rolling down a hill, growing and picking up steam as it careens down the hill that is my brain.

And so i would like to focus on some of the strengths i possess, in the hope that you may be helped to focus on your strengths and gifts.  Here is an article titled,

Are We Hardwired to Be Positive or Negative?
On the capacity to emphasize the negative rather than the positive.

Cool.  Science.  i know all of you race to the links and read the whole thing.  It’s geek stuff anyhow.  Here we go with me trying to be positive.  Comments, as always, are welcome, my friends.

Posi- John (it’s early)

2 thoughts on “Loving Me

  1. I love your blog and the way you describe recovery as peaking back the onion skins. We’re complexed beings and so much of what we’ve lived makes up who we are. Our ‘back story’, the one we try to keep hidden but keeps popping up. Keep going on your journey, it’s an encouragement and learning experience for me too. Thank you for choosing to share your journey not only for your own wellbeing but to help others. I applaud you for your efforts and your honesty.


    1. it’s a process…the peeling has been a painful thing for me, realizing how i have acted, thinking things were ok…but i am beginning to congratulate myself more…thanks for your kind words


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