There are things i do not share with others. Anyone with a mental illness knows the dilemma of deciding to open up about “things inside”, only to find themselves in one of those “special resorts” designed for people who have “things inside”. So deciding what to share and what not to share can be a bit of an issue.
But i share stories of my own adventures, blissfully unaware that few are that interested. But it helps me, especially with my huge ego, to share stories that bring me back to earth.
Sarah is away right now, suffering in some southern location with our four daughters. It must be terrible with the sun and heat, but there you go…we are all different. That means i am alone. Not too bad, as i talk to myself anyway, but i really miss Sarah when she is not here.
Sarah makes me breakfast. Of course that is not the only thing i miss, but Sarah will offer to make me breakfast every morning, unless something else is underway. This is a good thing.
Two important parts to add. Number one is to point out that i did not say that this is what i miss most about Sarah not being here. So fuck off, if you think i am some dominant ape who demands breakfast every morning.
Number two: If you are a male person, please do not go to your mate and suggest that this is somehow normal behaviour they should emulate. i warned you. Some of you will do this anyhow, but you dig your own grave.
Bottom line: the other morning i was making my own breakfast (Sarah will feel terrible guilt over this…lol). My standard breakfast is eggs and toast. The style of egg depends largely upon my flipping skills…i can do anything, just not on command. And i can cook, it just seems that time of day and cooking do not mesh in my world.
So i was making my favourite, scrambled, fried, gross looking eggs for breakfast and was frustrated because my flipping skills on this morning involved part of the stove, outside the pan. i heard the toast pop. i also realized i only had a couple of minutes to get back to my disaster-in-a-pan, so i moved over to the toaster and grabbed the toast, moving to the counter on the other side of the kitchen for buttering.
There was a lot of pain involved. For some reason, the toast was hotter than i remember from the last time i made breakfast (about 100 years ago). I cannot drop the toast, of course, so i rush it to the other side. Not fast enough.
i am sure i still have fingerprints, but barely. That would be kind of cool, ’cause then i could be a spy or something. My fingertips were sore for about three days. They did not blister, but it was not from lack of effort. Pain. Lots of pain.
i guess i am some kind of savant who can do unusual things, but normal activities escape me. i do not know. But sometimes, without thinking, i do things. All of us do, i suppose, and that is the point.
i have spent a lot of time in my life blaming others for many of my problems. i have now come to the conclusion that the problem was me...most of the time. i wasn’t really “aware” a lot of the time. i had thoughts in my head, but they did not jive with reality. i did a ton of reacting, of course. That is like blaming the toast for burning me.
i did a lot of swimming in pools of negativity and self-pity. Anyone who has ever taken a dip in that pond will tell you that is a tough place to be. But constantly mulling over negative thoughts is not helpful for anyone, and it was crippling me.
i spent very little time considering my role in my own illness. i have a responsibility to me. Never mind anyone else, because i am no good at all if i don’t look after my health.
i did not take that responsibility seriously and so i suffered, mired in a depression, for a decade. My life has been shaken since then, and i have made some changes in my life. Change is a tough thing for most of us, probably because we tend to see things from our own perspective, which is, of course, correct.
i invite you to make some healthy changes for yourself in the next while. i am going to write about some of the things i have learned in the hope it will help you to make some positive changes that will help improve your life. We will see where this takes us, for you know i wander around a little.
A wisdom note for the day:
Go ahead…you are definitely worth it.
St. John of the Asylum